My Life Today

I couldn’t sleep well for the past few days. My mind been is up for the wrong things that I’ve done and I punish others for it. I wasn’t clear about the consequences that I have to face each day of my life and I wonder when my day of punishment will come.

I accidentally read a friend’s journal on the net that linked to another person’s journal whose once was so dear to me. I kept telling myself to let it go but the pain I have had was killing me again and again. I’m not sure why but I know, deep inside of me, the longing is still the same. I want more than what I have now. I want more than what I am now and I wanted too much in life that I sacrifice people’s love towards me. And tonight, I wasn’t sure what I felt, but I can only describe it as very painful.

I have to face the effect of my action. I have to bear in mind and be ready that I will soon hurt again. I’m jealous of that time if it happens that they will be together and all that I can do is pretend to be happy for them. I kept silent all the time and try to run out of the misery that I myself couldn’t understand why. Each and everyday, I tell myself that I will be ok to be alone than to hurt anybody’s heart anymore. The more I want to be left out, the more attention I get. Is there any explanation to that?