To Where I am

These few days, I was called again to write in this blog. I know it seems quite a while since I myself, last login in this blog. I have no idea whether my readers are still visiting this blog since it has not been updated for a very long time. There are a lot of things that happened in my life lately. I was very disclosed of who I am, what I am doing and what my life is like now. I find it hard describing myself in a manner sense, both within and without. For me, it is like you are asking people to listen to every word that you have to say. Everyone needs to be heard, but it’s very hard to have a good listener, one who can actually bear to hear you. That’s why I write whenever I felt down as everyone can read without prejudice judgments. I need a person who is capable of hearing me, not judging me.

I really have to say that I come from a broken family. Not that I’m not grateful, not holding on or not praying for it but people like to do what they like to do. Be it right or wrong. It’s a choice where people have their every right to choose. A responsible that should be carried, as a resort of actions and thoughts. Come that day, everything changed high and low. Worst, I am the one who is feeling most of the result! Although most of my friends might see me as firm and strong, I am actually very fragile and weak. I am sensitive but most of the time, I choose to be silent. Often I cling on others for comfort and support. Many times, I just stand and wish it would be different. I really want to let go everything but the more I try to accept the facts that this is what I have to live with for the rest of my life, the harder it seems for me, every now and then. I want to be alone and try not to be bothered by this but I know it’s just me, running from life as it is. I try to be strong for my family, my mother; God knows I love her very much. Sometimes I cry alone on my bed, thinking and wishing that all these hardships will disappears once I got up in the morning. I just wish it is not just a dream but as much as I know that this much is true, it’s very, very, the otherwise.

I wanted to tell about my family, let alone people see how things are for me, but its hard talking about something that should be a place of love indulgent. I wanted to be heard but it’s not satisfying enough anymore. I want it to be vanquished. I just want it to be not there, not here, not everywhere. This starts everything. Who I am now, who I want to be, who I am with, people I share thoughts with and people once allies but now … darned it! Look at me now and for once, please stop judging. Instead, try to understand my being as where I come from. Just that… is it too much to ask?

I just wish I can make things right… I know, it would be better… one way or the other….

Author's comment: This is a ground breaking statement from me. I never thought that I am able to write and disclose so much about mylife and where I come from...