Can’t sleep now, I murmur to myself. Big game awaits for me this dawn, before the crack of sunrise. I patiently waited while playing with Facebook. Everyone seems to be in Facebook these days. Maybe not everyone, I corrected myself but almost everybody. Yes, almost. And it seems like this ‘everyone’ that I know wants to share their status.
~ Watching tv while facebooking... ~ Missing you my dear... ~ Going for a jog later... ~ Business opportunity is now in Facebook...
Yeah, almost everyone seems to be in Facebook. But still I like to blog. There’s that reason, strongly I believe, that you can really speak what is in your mind more with blogging rather than FB-ing. It’s still early. Angka jam baru menunjukkan jam 8.
- Hello...??? Caren suddenly call. - Hello Ned.. - Hi Caren... Ko suda balik? - Baru ja sampai ni. Where at? - Home. Facebooking... Hehe - I see. Wanna go for a drink? - Drink? Liverpool is playing laterlah.. - Go Reds, haha. - Yeah, The Reds. You Will Never Walk Alone. What team has a motto like that? - Right Ned. Btw, you know I am a ManU fan kan? - Mestila ba tau. - Always on top ba... hahaha. - One fine game Caren, one fine game. - Hahaha.. so free la nikan? YWNWA is playing at 2.45 a.m. anyway.. - Hmm... I guess. Where? What time? - Coffee Bean at Waterfront. Now? - Ha, now? - Yala, now. I’m here already la. - What? Lain kali bawa orang yang time kamu mo balik suda ah... - Hahaha... I’m alone lah Ned...
Okay now she’s talking. I sensed something is not right. Caren is a quiet person. To be able to speak like that through the phone with her, it’s like a miracle. She’s very soft spoken actually yet very independent. Could also be harsh sometimes. Something you don’t get every day when it comes to Caren. And she’s alone now.
- 20 minutes okay? - 15 minutes! - Just wait for me la you...
Yeah. She’s alone. Caren is just like the usual Caren I know. Simple yet in a way intriguing. Yellow top and low cut jeans. Sitting there, puffing. Caren is quite tall for an Asian lady I must. The figure every man would want to own. Just that, she seems gloomy la tu masa. Throwing her view far into the thick darkness of the ocean. Something tells me that this is going to be a very long conversation. And I was indeed right. Just about that, the wind was blowing softly.
- I can’t stand this feeling la Ned. - I understand Caren. - Sometimes kan, macam dia pay attention sama sa. Tapi sometimes juga, dia macam tidak pun nampak saya ni. - Did you tell him that you’re ‘into’ him? - Ned, action speaks louder than words. How can he not know? I’ve been all around him trying to ‘make sense’ of everything to him.
I see sadness in her eyes. Something that couldn’t be hidden anymore. Something that has to be leased out. Something so hurting that she cannot bare alone. Rejection? I guess.
- Yes, I admit it. I know. I should’ve told him long ago. Or even last night when I was with him. Tapi dia main-main ba selalu. Bila saya cakapkan, macam dia anggap saya tidak serious ni. I never really express my feelings la tapi you think I should ka? Tapi if dia reject saya macamana? Never should have this feeling to a friend actually...
Yup. Rejection is hard. I know. Maybe, I’ve been there. Yeah, maybe. I smile to myself. I try to listen to her as much as possible. Being there, just to lend my ears. I know what that feels like Caren. I really want to say those words to her. Maybe it could help a bit. To ease the soreness that she has to endure. So that she knows that we’re in the same shoes. But hold on Ned. It’s not your tick now. It is hers. Yours will come presently. So just lock those words in your head. In your senses.
- Ned, do you think I should tell him? But I don’t want lah. I know I like him so much tapi I cannot afford to lose this friendship. We’ve been friends since the first day I know him. Never would I imagine that I would fall for him. Look at me, how many boy-friends do I have? Many. And I have to fall in love with him. Gila kan? Kawan bah tu.
Boyfriend and boy-friend. Nasib Caren kasi stress betul-betul yang boy-friend tu kepada dua perkataan. Anyone would be confused with the usage of the term in such a way. Try to say ‘boyfriend’ like you just want to say it. How much will it differs from ‘boy-friend’. Eh, nasib baiklah ni writing. Susah juga ni mo explain tau.
- Ned, are you listening to me? Say something.
Okay now, that’s my cue. An indication.
- I am Caren. I don’t want to interrupt you while you’re speaking. Just say it out. I’m pinning your ears back. - Tulah, I don’t know what to do. - Tell me Caren, what is the problem if you do tell him that you like him? Apa ko rasa dia jawab kalau ko cakap begitu sama dia? Then, what do you expect from him? - Ned ......... - Caren, please... Sampai bila ko mo torture diri ko macam ni? It has to end one day juga kan. Then why not now Caren? You’re only hurting yourself. - Ned.........
I see tiny crystal falling down suddenly. I know exactly what those are.
- It’s not like you broke off with him Caren. Sampai bila ko mo jadi macam ni? - Ned, please stop... I know. Stop making me feel miserable.
I am so sorry Caren tapi you and I know that what I have just said is the sole truth. Why not kan?
- You know Ned, this is a point when you have to choose between two. Friendship or love. If he knows that I like him, or probably, love him, which sooner or later, he will find out, then it happens he’s that, not into me, can we still be friends like now? Like this? Caren shrugged her shoulder wanting result. Wanting response. Waiting for answer. I look at her, deeply with emotion. My dearest Caren, you have no idea what I’ve been through all this while. You are just infront me and yet, you’re talking about someone else. And me? I’m just a friend. Kan?
- Ko tau juga sekarang kita semua rapat kan. Infact, rapat yang gila-gila ni. Mana ada saya, ada kamu. Mana ada kamu, ada saya. Ada dia. We are so cool as friends. You saw that kan? You noticed that kan? Then tiba-tiba sa cakap, “aya, sa suka ko lah” what do you think is his response?
I don’t know Caren. Saya bukan dia tapi kalau saya yang perlu jawab tu soalan, I know exactly what to answer.
- See, ko pun diam-diam juga. Do you think we can be like this anymore once he knows that I like him? And when I say i like him, you know where I’m heading kan? Yeah, maybe buli jugalah macam ni. Outing sama-sama kali. Tapi layanan tu, do you think it’s going to be the same?
Caren, itu kalau dia reject kau. Tapi kalau tidak? Who knows. Did you tell him yet? Do you want to tell him? Then how do you know?
I drove Caren home just now. To my place. Rumah dia jauh. Takut saya sama beliau dia. Sudah juga saya text adik Caren si Lucy suruh cover line. Luckily, she didn’t bring her car to Coffee Beans. We went to Cock and Bulls after that and she ended up flat. She is in my room now, while I’m out in the living room writing this. I’ll be sleeping here guys, don’t dare ask!
Eh please don’t disturb her ah. No, not just yet. Let her be dulu kejap. Let her rest and wake up on her own good time. She’s been crying over and over again tadi jadi biarlah dia rest dulu. I am there watching her like a guardian angel juga tadi so no worries. She’s in good hands. The least I can do is that. I know she’s tired and need her own space. Jadi biarlah dia dulu.
Wait, hold on. I think she’s calling somebody’s name now. Kejap, saya tengok dia dulu.
....... not my name ........
Kejap lagi Liverpool main. Entah kenapa The Reds tidak dapat menarik perhatian saya malam ini .......
Originally by, Anakjagung (hidup mesti sedap dan logik!)
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